Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
*sewing*
A thread
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”