My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Same pineapple, same
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)