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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
@funTweeters
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.