accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The fall of Netflix
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?