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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Squirrels before girls.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him