Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
can’t believe I got front row seats
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.