I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
huge if true: the moon
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy