I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
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Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Baller is short for ballerina
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Investing in beetcoin
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.