Investing in beetcoin
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Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
TRAIN’S HERE
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.