*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
never deleting this app.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Cat.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
fly smarter, not harder
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.