*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific