Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that