Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You Might Also Like
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”