Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn