I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
never forget
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Ion see the issue