Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists