Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.