GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016