[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
💯😂
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
rise and shine we got egg
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Is….Is this an option?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own