Is….Is this an option?
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.