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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
WHY would you be happy about this?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.