if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules