man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
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Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Did…did a minotaur write this
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how