Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.