My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.