If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
This dude got his own movie?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.