Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
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I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
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having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The dark side of Canada
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?