Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
so much to do
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL