In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“Huge”.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.