I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen