I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.