every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I have a black belt in leather
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are