[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
seems like a niche market
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch