[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy