my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.