1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You Might Also Like
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no