When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine