What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
You Might Also Like
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree