Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Pot warmers of the day.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Plant care tips

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going