1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: