1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,