them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused