Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.