*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
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“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
They’re really bad with fonts.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch