American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.