welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.