my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
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“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper