ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Seems legit
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.