I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
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“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it