*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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Sponch
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.