Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You Might Also Like
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Good morning
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Breaking news:
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.