Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
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We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother