Some people were born into their job.
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.