I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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Seductively sings in Klingon.